Treasure Hunt
by Elizabeth Robbins
Summary: Logan has a problem that Hank is trying to help him with but the girls interfere. Rated for language and adult situations Chapter 2 and 3 up at aff


Disclaimers: All recognizable characters belong to Marvel and are used without permission. I am not making any money from their use. I have aged Jubilee to 19 so she's legal. Jenny belongs to dizi and is being used with permission.

A/N: The idea for this story came from something dizi wrote in a Jenny short about Wolverine's healing factor. She had asked me if a healing factor could overcome the pill. I told her no, the pill affects only the woman taking it. Logan couldn't negate the effects of the hormones unless he was taking it. His sperm would not be affected by the spermicidal foams and jellies so they could be the focus of her story. Then, suddenly, I knew. He would eventually negate the chemicals involved in the manufacture of condoms. I know. I have a strange little mind but that's what you get with an education heavy on science.

Treasure Hunt: Chapter 1: The Experiment

It started with something Jenny had said. She had been traumatized by a kitchen accident early in her stay with the X-Men. She had taken on the job of keeping the mansion clean and was trying to get dinner started late one day. Logan had volunteered his services as sous chef and was chopping vegetables for dinner when Bobby ran into Jenny and knocked her into him. The knife he was using went through his hand causing a large laceration. Jenny, for some reason, freaked out. He had explained his healing factor to her and all was well, except that she was pissed that he hadn't told her earlier.

That night, simply because she has a strange curiosity, she came to him and asked about safe sex. She mentioned his healing factor and wondered if it applied to his sperm as well. That was a new one on him. He never really considered it before. He ran to Hank and got his questions answered and made sure Jenny got a bonus. A disaster was averted by her odd thinking. A month later, his uniforms began to fall apart.

Logan went through uniforms like most men go through underwear. He didn't think anything of it until he tore through the thigh of a brand new uniform as he was putting it on. He went to Hank and reported a problem with the computer that controlled the manufacture of the uniforms. After looking at the machinery, Hank told him the process was in good working order and to cut his toenails to keep from tearing through the fabric. The uniforms continued to rip on a regular basis. It got to the point that he couldn't be sure he was going to stay covered in battle. It didn't matter much to him. Logan was a nudist at heart. But that didn't mean he wanted to flash the entire world every time he went out in the field. Hank finally took him seriously and did some tests.

"Very odd," Hank pronounced. "Most people, when exposed to latex for long periods of time, can develop an allergy to the substance. You, however, cannot. Instead, you produce a substance that dissolves the latex."

"It that why I keep moonin' everyone?" Logan asked.

"Yes," Hank told him. "Spandex is a latex based product. Your body is producing an enzyme that breaks down the molecules of latex into it's chemical components. You will have to switch to unstable molecules."

"Is that all?" Logan asked, relieved. He could deal with the change in uniforms.

"Well, no." Hank said. "There is more. You break down all latex."

"I get that," he said. "What's it got ta do with anythin' else?"

"Condoms are made from latex." Hank informed him.

Color drained from Logan's face as the implications became clear. "Holy shit!" he exclaimed. "How long have I been doin' that?"

"You've been having problems with your uniforms for about a month so I would surmise you have been producing this enzyme in small amounts for approximately four months. If this enzyme is on the surface of your spermatozoa, then the implication is clear. You will need to make a list of your contacts so I can document any pregnancies."

"But.." Logan saw lots of action. Most of the time, he never knew their names. If he did know their names, he couldn't remember them. Hank was asking for the impossible.

He decided to move on to a more important problem. "What do I do now?" he asked. "I can't be celibate. It ain't in my nature."

Hank, who hadn't been with a woman in a long time, growled at him.

"C'mon, Hank," he begged. "Ya gotta help me here."

Hank looked at the smaller feral. He saw more action in one day than Hank saw in a year. Eventually, Logan would take the risk and have sex anyway.

"I will see if I can develop an alternative," Hank promised, sourly.

"Thanks Hank," Logan breathed. "Let me know what ya need."

A week later, Logan handed him several sheets of paper with tiny, cramped writing on them. His list of contacts.

"I only needed your contacts for the last six months," Hank protested.

"Shit," Logan swore. "Gonna take me a few weeks ta go back that far."

Hank gave him a funny look. "Forget it." he told him. "I have enough to do now."

Hank was surprised at how many of the male X-Men were interested in his work. Apparently, they also wanted an alternative to latex. Most of them were willing to allow Hank to make a cast of their 'equipment'. He was quite pleased with the variety of sizes he had to work with. He was beginning to think he may be able to market the condoms to the general public.

Jubilee had been home from college for only about twelve hours before going in search of her furry blue friend. He spends entirely too much time in the lab anymore. She was concerned that he was going to become stunted, socially. He needed a woman

"Hank, I'm gonna take you out," she said as she entered his research lab. "Hank?" The lab was empty.

Jubilee was naturally nosy. Her curiosity had saved her bacon several times so she thought nothing about looking around. Several experiments were in various stages of completion. She knew better than to touch anything she didn't recognize as harmless but when she came to Hank's latest project, she had to gasp. There, on the shelf, was a number of foam covered representations of the male reproductive system, all different sizes. Jubilee thought she had wandered into a toy shop for big girls.

She lifted each one. On the bottom of the form, there was printed in careful writing, the name of the owner of the real thing. One was the object of her lust for the past four years. The largest was a complete shock. She had to share the news. They'd never believe what she found or who the biggest X-Man was.

Quickly leaving the lab, she ran to the main part of the house. She found the female residents in the laundry room doing the weeks washing.

"You won't believe what I found in Hank's lab!" she told them, gasping for breath from her run upstairs.

"I have told you not to touch anything in Henry's labs, Jubilation." Storm told her.

"I didn't touch," she declared. "I just looked. You won't believe what he has."

"Alright, Sweet Pea," Rogue said, "Ah'll bite. What did ya find?"

"I found a whole shelf of dildos." she told them in a scandalized voice. "They were sitting on his project shelf and on each one was the name of the owner."

"Oh?" Betsy said, curious. "Who do they belong to?"

"Yeah," she said. "They're all X-Men."

"Really?" Jean asked. "Who?"

"Wolvie, Scott, Warren, Bobby, Bishop, Remy. Everyone."

"You mean to tell me that they all let Hank make a mold of their dicks?" Rogue demanded. Jubilee nodded, an evil thought coming to her head.

"Let's go get them." she suggested with a grin.

"Where's Hank?" Betsy asked.

"He went into town for a shipment of chemicals," Rogue told them.

"When?" Jean asked, her eyes gleaming.

"Half an hour ago," Rogue said. "He's gonna be back soon."

"Not enough time." Storm mused. "We're going to have to create a diversion. Let me think about it for a while."

The sound of a door slamming and Hank's voice floated into the laundry room. They would have to act fast when the time came.

"How's the experiment goin'?" Logan demanded when he came into the lab that night.

"If you would refrain from asking me every five minutes, it would progress much faster." he told the pacing Wolverine.

Logan noticed Jubilee's scent in the lab and wondered why she was there. Just as he finished that thought, he saw the models on the shelf.

"What do ya think yer doin' keepin' those things out in the open?" he demanded. "Jubes was here."

"I know," Hank said. "I noticed her scent when I came in."

"And ya leave 'em out where she can find 'em?" he growled.

"She's nineteen and hardly a virgin, Logan. She's seen all of us naked at one time or another. Don't be such a prude."

Logan knew Jubilee wasn't a virgin, he just liked to pretend. He reigned in his temper and thought about it. She was nineteen years old and had been having sex for a few years now. She didn't have the innocent scent of a girl any more. She now had the musky scent of a woman. He remembered bristling with rage the morning after she lost her virginity. He knew he had no right to be angry but he couldn't help himself. He had been protecting her for a long time but this was one thing she had to decide on her own. He still watched over her but he allowed her the privacy to sleep with someone if she wanted. All he asked was that she let him sniff the guy first. Having sex was one thing, getting raped was another. He could usually sniff out a rapist. They have a sour stench of violence that hangs around them.

He looked at the display on the shelf, wondering if she had taken advantage of the variety here in the mansion.

"Who's is this one?" he asked Hank.

Hank looked at the model Logan was indicating. "Scott's." he told Logan.

"No wonder he's so uptight." Logan remarked.

That night, Jean made sure the male residents slept as the women explored the lab.

"Where are they?" Ororo asked as she picked the lock on the door.

"On the project shelf." Jubilee told her.

"Ah'm not sure this is a good idea," Rogue said, the fear in her voice clear to all.

Ororo gave a satisfied smirk as the lock clicked open. "Don't worry, Rogue," she said. "We'll swear you were in the kitchen if anyone asks."

"It ain't that," she stammered. "It's just Ah never..."

"We know," Betsy told her. "This is more for your benefit than ours."

Ororo pushed to door open and Jubilee shot into the room. They were still exactly where she saw them this afternoon. The others approached reverently.

"I never realized how different they all were," Jean said softly.

Betsy was picking each one up and turning it over to read the name. One drew her eye instantly. She lifted it to read the name and gasped.

"Oh Jean!" she cried. "I'm so sorry!" She gathered the older woman in her arms and hugged her. "You poor woman. How ever do you manage?"

Jean touched her forehead to Betsy's. The others recognized the posture of intense telepathic communication. Betsy jerked back in surprise.

"He can do that?" she gasped in wonder.

"It's all in the execution," Jean smirked.

"Wow! Maybe I don't need to be sorry for you."

"You don't," Jean smiled. "I'm happy with what I have."

"You're not gonna tell us are ya," Jubilee asked.

"Not on your life," Jean shot back.

"Who's is that one?" Ororo asked, awed. They turned to see her pointing at one of the larger models. It was very long and thick. Not as thick as the one some of them recognized as Logan but it was respectable.

"That's Bobby," Betsy said immediately. The others looked at her questioningly. "What?" she demanded.

"You didn't pick that one up yet." Rogue said.

"What can I say," she shrugged. "I tried him out when I first got here."

"And?" Jubilee prompted.

"He's got the size but needs the owners manual."

"Logan's trying to wake up," Jean warned them. "He's having a nightmare."

"Let's get what we came for and go," Jubilee said as she grabbed the representation of her desire. "What are we going to do about our scents? Hank will know we were here."

Ororo pulled out a can of room deodorizer. "It's not perfect but it should confuse his nose until our scents are older."

She began spraying as they grabbed the models and left the lab.

The first thing Hank noticed when he went into the lab the next morning was the smell of gardenias. It was obviously artificial. He would never allow flowers in the lab. The next thing he noticed was that the scent was burning his nose. He retreated from the lab in a flurry of sneezes almost backing over Logan in his haste to leave.

"Whoa, Blue," Logan said as he jumped out of his way. "What's that stink?"

"I suspect it is some sort of aerosolized ester compound commonly used to remove unpleasant odors from the local environment." Hank said, wiping his nose and eyes. "It is very strong."

"Air freshener?" Logan asked.

"I believe that's what I said."

"Who'd spray air freshener in the lab?"

"I don't know." Hank admitted. "I can't stay in there long enough to catch the underlying scent of whoever was in there. Your nose is more sensitive than mine. Can you try to catch the scent of whoever gassed my lab?"

"My eyes are waterin' just standin' here in the hall," Logan told him. "Can ya see if anythin' is missing from the window?"

"Not all of the lab is visible from the window but some of it is." Hank told him as they moved over to the observation window. Hank was very concerned about several pieces of Shi'ar equipment he had stored in the room so it was Logan who noticed the absence of his latest experiment.

"Blue, the dicks are missin'," he said.

"What?"

"Our dicks are missin'."

"Who would take an unfinished experiment like that? I haven't had a chance to finish the polymer I was going to try."

"Who would take them?" Logan snorted. "Every woman in the mansion would. Jubilee was here yesterday. She probably thought she'd wandered into a toy store. I'll bet she blabbed to every female here."

"It's not really a loss," Hank said. "I still have the molds. I can recast them, easily."

"It ain't that," Logan growled. "I don't like my dick fuckin' a woman without me."

"Well, then," Hank sighed. "You had better locate them."

'Jubilee has 'em,' he thought as he stormed back to the residential part of the mansion. It would be just like her to take them and pass them on to whichever X-Woman showed an interest. He didn't give a damn about the others, he just wanted his back so Hank could come up with a latex alternative for him. He hadn't had a woman in two weeks. The pressure was killing him.

"Jubilee!" he yelled as he pounded on her door.

"You don't need to break the door down Wolvie," she admonished as she opened the door. "I'm right here."

"Where is it?" he demanded.

"It?" she asked "What _it_ are you talking about?"

"Ya know what I'm talkin' about," he growled. "I know ya were in Blue's lab yesterday and saw 'em."

"The dildos?" she asked.

He flushed bright red. "They ain't dildos." he yelled. "They're models."

"Yeah," she said with a flip of her hand. "Whatever. I saw 'em."

"Where's mine?" he growled. "Do ya have it?"

"No," she told him. "I most certainly don't have it." She didn't. She had Remy's. She was glad she thought to trade off with one of the other women. Logan would have smelled if she were lying.

Wolverine leaned in and gave her a quick sniff. She wasn't lying. She didn't have his model.

"Damn," he muttered.

"This is going to be interesting," she said as the door slammed behind the hairy feral.

'Logan's on the rampage,' she sent to the mansion telepaths. 'He's looking for his dick.'

A thank you came from Betsy. Jean's reply of "Shit!" had Jubilee giggling.

He had spoke with every female in the mansion. None of them had his model but all of them, except Rogue, smelled satisfied. The scent of female in heat was strong in the house. He was going to explode if he didn't do someone soon.

They were able to move the dildos around the mansion to keep them out of Wolverine's hands fairly easily. Jean and Betsy kept a mental eye out for him and if he got close, the woman was warned and she handed it off to someone else. After two days, the only one who hadn't tried out all of them was Rogue.

A/N #2: The rest of this story will be posted on adult fan fiction dot net.It is rated NC-17 and too graphic for this site. Please visit aff if you would like to read the rest.


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